Today has probably been one of the most important days of my life. I’m finally starting to put the puzzle pieces together….I mean, I’ve always had an idea about why I’m so fucked up, but now, everything is becoming so clear: my assumptions were right. All of my problems stem from my childhood.

This morning, I went to counseling, and I can honestly say that I like my new psychologist a lot. Shes friendly, understanding, funny, and actually knows what shes talking about. And she gets bonus points from me because she went to UCLA, and thats my dream school. I’m just disappointed that I got put on the waiting list, because her only available appointment times are during chemistry class, and I cannot skip that class. But I might start going to group therapy…not sure how effective it’ll be, but it might help. And maybe I’ll meet some people…it might help to know that I’m not alone, and that I’ll always have a support system behind me. We pretty much talked about how my depression is basically anger turned inside out, and how I shouldnt be ashamed that I’m like this, because if you think about everything thats happened, how could anyone expect me to be normal? She also made me realize how good I’ve done so far…I’m not a drug addict, I’m not a cutter, I havent killed myself. Oh, and having control is one of my biggest problems…I’m so obsessed with getting good grades because my grades are in my control. If I fail a test, there is no one to blame except for me. If I fail, its because I’m stupid. If I do good, its because I’m smart. And I’m so mad about being fat because my weight is in my control, and I can never be skinny…for example, I gained back 3 lbs, and I seriously want to starve myself and become bullimic (not really, but you get what I mean). Going to counseling is going to be really hard, because I’m scared of “opening up these old painful wounds” (thats what my psychologist calls it), and group therapy is going to be awkward at first because I have to talk about personal things with strangers.

I also went to church with my suitemate tonight, because they’re doing a lecture series on love and dating. I dont even believe in God, but they still talk about good ideas. The concepts are useful, and everyone can follow them, religious or not. The entire thing really got to me, holy fuck. I think I’ve realized that…my last relationship was so important to me because all of the physical love made me feel complete, seeing as I wasnt shown the right type of love by my parents when I was a little kid. I never knew what love was, so when we broke up, I was completely devastated because I felt like I lost the only love I was ever given. I need to grasp the fact that he hasnt come back because…we didnt have true love. But my problem is that I’m going to continue craving the chance to show him true love, and to experience it with him, especially since I’m on the road to fixing myself. That’ll be really hard to deal with…really fucking hard. I crave for that chance to happen, so fucking bad. I really do. I feel so heartbroken that he had to deal with the fucked up me, in fucked up circumstances…but now, I’m trying to get better…for myself, for everyone who matters to me. I have to grasp the fact that what we had was not true love, and that if our relationship does deserve a second chance, he will find some way to let me know. Understanding that concept is going to be just as hard as this whole counseling thing…holy fuck, I dont know how I’m going to deal with either, let alone both at the same exact time.

I hope that I am strong enough to do this. I have counseling, group therapy, the lecture series at church, Prozac, no more connections to drugs, college, my dream of going to UCLA, and most importantly, the best support system ever (my friends).

I should be okay. I should be able to do this.

But this is going to be the hardest test I’ll ever have to take…