Before, I would write really long Tumblr posts…usually about how mad or disappointed I was about something. My posts would be about the past, present, and future…I havent been happy with either the past or present, really, and I’m worried about the future, just like the rest of us probably are.

But now, my posts are usually pretty short, and I probably dont sound as mad or hurt about stuff.

All I can say is that its true…I dont feel as depressed or pissed off. Like I’ve said before, if anything, I just feel empty and weirdly calm. I see this as both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is that I dont sound as crazy anymore, and maybe this is a sign that I’m finally starting to get a little better. But the bad thing is that I might be becoming more numb to my feelings…its just weird to me, I dont know. I dont feel mad, and I’m not depressed to the point where I can randomly start crying anymore. But at the same time, I’m still not happy. Maybe I’m starting to slowly move to the other side of the spectrum, but I’m still closer to the depression end of the spectrum. Then again, my psychologist did warn me that this could take years…or even my entire life. And that although I can improve, I will never be completely free from depression or anxiety. She also thinks that this is a result of my anger becoming numb (not on purpose though), and I think shes right. She said certain things to me that I’ve never really thought about before (unless I just cant remember, because I forgot a lot of the things that happened), and I completely broke down. Since hearing those words made me cry my eyes out, that must mean that some part of me deep down feels that way, but I cant bring those thoughts to my brain or my mouth. I dont know what else my unconscious mind is hiding from me, and to be honest, I’m scared.

I dont know how to do this. I dont even remember how to be happy…or what that even feels like, really. Shit, I dont even know how many times I’ve been truly happy.

Dont get me wrong, physical health is extremely important, but I really wish that the healthcare system would give the mental health field the credit it deserves. It makes me mad that health insurance doesnt cover anything related to psychological illness, because psychiatrists are expensive. I’m lucky that my college offers services for free. Sometimes, I feel like people dont realize how important mental health really is. Afterall, if you’re seriously stressed out or depressed about something, it can have negative side effects on your body overall. Your neurotransmitters can get fucked up, and you could develop something as serious as schizophrenia. You could be like me and over eat, and watch yourself get fatter and fatter. Speaking of eating problems, psychological problems can make one become anoxeric or bullimic, and we all know how dangerous that can be. And of course there are other things like suicide, homicide, and drug addiction, which all relate to psychological illness. You know what, maybe I’ll continue to stick with psychiatric/mental health nursing. Now that I think about it, it is the only thing I’m truly interested in…and I guess having personal experience helps. I just wish that I wasnt so useless…I wish I could be more useful. I really do feel like I’m bad at giving advice, mainly because I dont know what the right thing to do is. Then again, nurse practitioners prescribe the medicine, they dont really talk to the patient. I just hope that people realize how important mental health really is.